My day started out like any other day....
I got up, and I got ready and went to work. That’s it- pretty simple really. Nothing eventful happened that I can recall on my way to work. No strange feelings or missed stop signs happened while I was driving there. Just your regular joe average kind of day. Or so I thought.
“We’re going for our coffee break, you coming?” asked one of my work colleagues. They were headed for break together and had stopped to see why I hadn’t followed their lead.
“Nah, It’s too early. I’ll go later” I replied.
And off they went, the group of them leaving me alone. I admit there was no strange feeling like I should, or shouldn’t go with them. Everything was fine, and I proceeded to get on with my work. There I was planning out strategy, full engrossed in my train of thought, and that’s when my normal day turned to something else.
“ I’m sorry, Ang. I love you.” I heard like an echo, as a wave of feeling crashed over me. It sounded like my Dad, and he was ‘talking’ to me. Everything became still. Strange, was my first reaction. I think I even muttered the word ‘Odd’ aloud. One second I am standing there formulating a plan for the day, and the next I am overcome by a pressure. Or rather a sensation of calmness and pressure, as I felt my mental self being pushed to the left while my Dad came thru loud and clear in my head. His message and voice stunned me. “ I love you” I heard again very clearly. “ And I need to go” echoed in my brain. My stomach dropped and I felt sick immediately. My heart squeezed painfully and tears came to my eyes at the idea of what this may mean. ‘ No this can’t be’ I thought to myself, my mind reeling. “ How can this be possible?” I whispered to myself.
No warning signs had prepared me- no phone calls of impending health crashes- no calls from Mom saying things aren’t looking so good- nothing. That left me struggling to comprehend the incomprehensible. The fleeting thought of sanity and its relation to me possibly parting ways came to mind, thus causing me to momentarily wonder if this is how one goes about losing their mind. Just like that, and that quickly.
I was then somehow being forced to tear myself away from these musings and distractions to continue to hear what was being relayed to me. The connection took over and once again he came through to me. “ I have to go, I’m sorry, I need to go” I heard him say. “ I wanted to tell you I love you” It was fading in and out by now, reverberating in my mind.
An overwhelming surge of love accompanied this sentence, flushing like an inner light within me. While my brain grappled with this, I could see my body seemingly frozen in the position of writing down a plan on the whiteboard we used, arm raised and marker at a ready stance. Some how, some way, I had fallen into a rabbit hole of sorts.
This couldn’t be happening I reasoned with myself. My dad lived 3500 kilometers away and he was there, in my head! He apologized again and my heart and stomach fell further with the knowledge of what this meant. Despite the oddity of it all, I found myself answering back. “It’s okay Dad, You can go…I love you too.” The emotion of love welling up from the depths of my heart, pure and all encompassing. And that’s when I knew it was true. Just like that.
Upon my utterance of a goodbye, I felt a release from the connection and whether it’s my imagination or not, I swear I heard a big sigh. Where do you go from there? What do you do?
My mind was in turmoil with what had just happened. My body, felt like a gong had been rung and the vibrations were pulsing through me. I felt disorientated and the fluorescent lights felt overly bright and harsh making my eyes hurt. I gave my head a shake to see if I could re orientate myself.
I turned to look around, to see if anyone else had noticed my strange still motion behavior. The room, which normally has at least 6 people working in it, was completely empty, and I was alone. How could this be? Did it really happen? What just happened would be the better question.
And before I could figure anything out, or make some sort of sense of it, the phone started to ring. A far away sound from where I had just been. Way down at the other end of the department the phone was ringing like the shrill of a seagull. And somehow, I knew it was for me. I just knew! And I felt dread at the thought that I would now find out for sure.
I took a deep breath and willed my body to move. The walk to the phone at the other end of the room was like walking through a tunnel. So long did it feel that I wondered how long it was really taking me, and if the caller would hang up before I got there. The logical side of me gave my mental ass a boot. A mental pep talk was in order. Get a hold of yourself before you answer that phone! What if it’s just someone with a mundane question? I took a deep breath and ignored the turning vortex of my churning stomach. I took another deep breath through my nose so I wouldn’t vomit and I picked up the receiver.
My first attempt to say hello came out as a squeak, never quite forming a word. I cleared my throat and tried again using my will power to push my body to say hello with a semblance of normalcy.
“ Hello, Angela speaking” I managed to croak out.
The caller stuttered and I could feel the mental wheels turning on the other end of the phone.
“ Ang?” finally came the cry on the other end.
It was my mother, who never calls me at work. She faltered and said my name again with a sense of wonder attached.
“ It’s me, Mom.” I squeaked.
“ Sorry, I didn’t expect you to answer the phone, and…and…I was prepared to ask for you. You surprised me.” I could hear the strain in her voice as she tried to gather the courage to say what she needed to. She thought she would have more time to figure it out.
“ I thought I would have to ask for you” she confirmed.
I took a deep breath and blurted out what I already knew.
“ It’s okay Mom I already know. Dad’s gone.”
I was trying to make this easier for her. Tears started to flow down my face like a tap had turned on.
“ I already know, Mom” I repeated with finality.
“What...But. But…How? How do you know? Did your sister call you?” she asked bewildered.
“No.” I stated. Astonished silence greeted my answer, one of the greatest pregnant pauses of my life thus far.
She repeated herself, asking again how I knew.
I could feel the confusion deepening over the line. I didn’t really know how to fix this without telling the truth. I felt a wave of embarrassment at the thought of trying to explain what I knew to be true and looking like I had lost my marbles. This was too important of a time to be worried about what people think. I told my ego to shove it and attempted to explain, making no sense and stumbling over my words and crying at the same time. My life path altered once again that day by an irrevocable loss.
My dad had passed away from complications of kidney failure and diabetes. And he loved me enough to say goodbye. What more is there to be said? I have shaken all doubt that life truly is about being as ‘ONE’ and I have to tell you that I am not afraid of dying. What I am afraid of is dying before I get to chance to do, see and love all that I wish to experience. In fact, I am so comforted by this knowing that to me it will be like finally going home. Not that I’m in any hurry to get there.
I don’t come by this belief due to any religion or following. It comes to me from knowing what my true-life purpose is on this earth. And even though I hadn’t faced up to the calling at the time of my Dad’s passing, what happened helped me along that journey. I am of the belief that we all have a spirit or energy, and that love is a big part of that.
How deep and profound that belief has become has changed me at my core. I didn't truly understand that I am a Medium, and how that would change my life till many years after, and I am not asking you to jump up and believe in me, or believe in what I can tell you to be true. I am just asking that you have an open mind. To contemplate that there is more to life then just what we see with our own eyes. And to never lose faith, for our loved ones truly are waiting for us.
~ Angela ~